So, here's my very first attempt at an actual translation. I present to you, Arashi no Shukudai-kun #79 [2008.04.14]

My Japanese is nowhere near the level of some of the wonderfully fluent translators that the Arashi community boasts, so this was mostly done as a challenge to myself.

I apologize in advance for any errors, and if you should spot something that I can fix, feel free to let me know!~

And just for the record: Ohno, only you can make kanji-illiteracy so cute and so endearing. ^___^

And is it just me, or has anyone else ever entertained the thought that Ohno might - just might - be dyslexic? It's probably due the fact that he's SO GOOD at art that makes me think this, because dyslexics are usually portrayed as artists in the media. But of course, it could also just be the fact that it's been a good nine years since this man had to sit an exam in an actual classroom...


Sho: Please take a look at this – it’s not a pretty situation. This guest is appearing for the second time.
Ogura: If it’s the second appearance of another comedian, I’m going home.
Nino: But look at the second description.
All: Arashi made me angry.
Nino: One of us must’ve done something heinous.
Sho: Well it can’t be me.
Aiba: Can’t be me neither.
Nino: And it can’t be me.
Aiba: Have you gotten any celebrities angry lately?
Nino: Nope.
Sho: Well, here’s our guest for today: Ueto Aya-san!
All: Your favour, please.
Sho: Let me get this straight – Arashi made you angry?
Aya: Well, yes, that would be Aiba-san.
Caption: [Aiba made her angry!]
Aiba: What did I DO? Did I do something?
Sho: I say we discuss this over there (on the couches). If you please.
Aya: Your favour, please.

Sho: Tonight’s guest is Ueto Aya-san.
All: So what did Aiba do anyway?
Aiba: Yes, have I done something? Me? ME?
Aya: Well, you have a corner where you serve representative dishes, right? Last time, I asked for some delicious egg cuisine, but what I got was something that looked like dinosaur eggs…
All: Ahhh, yes. The colourful eggs.
Caption: [Aiba’s dish, the colourful boiled eggs, made her angry]
Aiba: But when I gave them to you last time, you said “Oh! Pretty!”…didn’t you?
Aya: …Well, that was for the sake of the program, you know.
Aiba: So grown up!
All: A very mature response!
Sho: But that’s something we can fix this time.
Aiba: That’s right! We’ll make sure you’re happy and content.
Sho: So let’s have the first homework.
Ogura: Today, it’s not eggs anymore.
Aya: I’ve had enough of eggs.
Ogura: The homework is to find “Rare and REALLY delicious bagels.” Does everyone know what this is?
Nino: I think I’ve heard of them.
Aya: They’re quite popular with girls, I believe. You can eat them with tofu, for example. They’re very healthy.
Jun: Do you eat them often?
Aya: I eat two a day.
Sho: Ohno-san. You know bagels, don’t you?
Ohno: Yes I do.
Sho: Since you two over here have been talking amongst yourselves this whole time.
Nino: Oh he knows them all right.
Sho: So how would you describe this “bagel”?
Ohno: They’re spongy right in the middle.
Nino: Do you like them?
Ohno: No, I can’t say that I do.

Ohno: Here’s the first dish. Beef stew bagel.
All: Beef stew?
Aya: Ooh, what is it? I’ve never seen anything like it before.
Ohno: There’s beef stew inside the bagel.
Aya: Looks tasty.
Jun: I thought bagels had to be shaped like doughnuts with a hole in the middle.
Nino: Hold on – give the man a chance to explain it first. What’s the definition of a bagel?
Ohno: This bagel comes from Osaka City, Tenou….
Nino: And the definition, please?
Aya: It’s bread that’s been boiled.
Ohno: That’s right. You boil the dough once, and then you bake it.
Jun: Ahh, that’s how you get the chewy texture.
Aya: That’s right. That’s how you get that appearance.
Aya: It looks like something you’d see in a store, so I have some expectations towards it.
Sho: Like how bad you think it could be?
Aya: Itadakimasu.
Ogura: Our bagel expert.
Aya: Hm. It’s not coming out.
All: You might have to bite deeper inside.
Aya: Oh! It looks like curry bread. But it’s very good.
Jun: I might take one home with me today.
Aya: Why doesn’t everyone have a taste?
Ogura: Right, let’s all have a taste.
All: Oh, it’s delicious!
Ogura: So this type of bagel exists, huh…
Jun: It’s really like beef stew, isn’t it?
Aya: You’re right.
Jun: Ohno-san, has your impression of bagels changed?
Ohno: It sure has.
Sho: Are you satisfied, Ohno?
Ohno: Extremely. Let’s move on!
Nino: She’s still eating, you know.
Narrator: Next is tartar tempura bagel.
Aya: It’s great! Very tasty!
All: Really?
Aya: ?
Sho: I can’t seem to imagine the taste.
Aya: Well the tartar sauce has caviar in it, so it’s very good.
All: Oooh.
Aya: For heaven’s sake, don’t eat it with such an unpleasant face.
Nino: Well, it’s my first time eating a bagel, after all.
Aya: Eeeeh?
Caption: [First experience with a bagel?]
Nino: You’ve all had it before?
Ohno: I don’t think it has enough tartar sauce in it.
Caption: [A store employee?]
Nino: We didn’t make the bagel, you know. Well, is that all we have for today?
Aiba: Hai! Just a sec!
Aya: But I’m already satisfied with these.
Aiba: For Ueto-san’s sake, we have a few more today.
Ogura: You want to make her mad again?
Aiba: Nono, I’m good this time. It’s going to be great.
Caption: [He has confidence today!]
Aiba: Would you like to try them?
Aya: Well, I –
Aiba: All right, let’s try them! Please stand by!
Caption: [What’s with the pose?]
Ogura: That’s quite a lot of courage you have, Aiba.
Aiba: That’s okay. I’m a high-risk, high-return kind of guy.
Sho: When did you remember to say that? That was kind of surprising.
Nino: That’s about all he does remember.
Aiba: Here’s the bagel I’ve prepared. Ta-da!
All: Heeeeehh?
Jun: I don’t think even the lateness of the show can withstand this.
Nino: These probably violate the network’s broadcasting ethics!
Aiba: Shall I explain it first? The green one is made of green peas.
Aya: Oh, then it might taste good.
Aiba: Next, the red one in the middle has plum filling.
Aya: Smells kind of good.
Aiba: And do you know what the last one is?
Ogura: How should we know? They look like traffic lights to me!
Aiba: Then let me tell you. It’s called “Blue Hawaii.”
Ogura: Are you a retard!?

Aya: The green one looks the most promising.
Aiba: Let’s start with the green one then. It’d be good if you could eat all of it.
Aya: Itadakimasu.
Aiba: Well, what do you think? Good?
Aya: Un!
Aiba: This one’s a hit, right?
Aya: Tasty!
Aiba: Tasty, she says! Thank you very much!
Caption: [Surprisingly, a success!]
Aiba: Which one would you like to try next? Plum or Blue Hawaii?
Nino: I’m guessing the plum.
Aya: Yes, let’s try the plum.
Aya: Wow, is this sort of thing acceptable?
Jun: She looks a little mad already.
Aiba: It should be tasty, though.
Aya: Nope. Uh-uh.
Aiba: No? No?
Ogura: Right. Let’s move on, then.
Aiba: Just a sec! Are you sure?
Aya: This combination doesn’t really work.
Ogura: Oh, look. You’ve made her mad.
Aiba: There’s no such thing. Let me try.
Aiba: …Ugh, okay, no. It doesn’t work.
Caption: [Spectacular failure]
Ogura: The last one looks even sketchier.
Aiba: Nono, let’s treat it as a dessert.
Jun: Will that make it better?
Aya: Look, it’s blue right to the middle!
Aiba: It should be fine! We’re very big on food colouring today.
Aya: Mmmm….
Aiba: Bad?
Caption: [Success!]
Aya: If there was fresh cream, it might be even tastier.
Aiba: Ahhh, I see. The third time you come, we’re going to put the fresh cream in.
Aya: Why don’t you give it a try?
Jun: Yum!
Ohno: Oh, this is good!
Jun: The sweetness of the fruits really go with it well!
Aya: Doesn’t it?
Aiba: Thank you for all the good reviews! On this happy note, let me introduce one more!
Sho: Another one?!
Aiba: Just one more.
Jun: This is highly suspicious though, isn’t it? What’s with the ladle?
Ohno: Looks Chinese.
Aiba: Spot on!
Sho: What the hell is it?
Aya: Auugh.
Aiba: This is mabo bagel. *A Chinese ingredient*
Ogura: This actually might work.
Aiba: Exactly! If it works, I’m adding it to the family restaurant’s menu.
Nino: It looks like it might work.
Sho: But the visual aspect is terrible.
Aiba: Usually it’s mabo tofu, but today we’ve switched the tofu to bagel.
Aya: I wonder how this will be. Itadakimasu.
Aiba: And?
Aya: Yum! This is the best out of them all.
Caption: [It’s going on the menu?!]
Jun: Super good!
Aiba: So it’s a hit. Let’s end the corner with Sho-kun’s comment.
Sho: It’s maximum bagel.
Nino: Thank you very much.
Aya: Thank you very much.

Ogura: Next we have “What did you do last night?” homework.
Sho: What did you actually do last night?
Aya: Yesterday was my off-day, so I spent it at home, sleeping, watching TV, eating, and so forth.
Sho: What did you watch?
Aya: Like the news…
Sho: Any Shukudai-kun?
Aya: Oh, I watch lots of that. What with you baring your nipples and all…
Sho: Maaaan.
Nino: That’s kind of disturbing!
Aya: The game you guys played using mannequins was a bit erotic too.
Sho: You’d be referring to Matsumoto-kun?
Aya: Yes, that was a bit iffy.
Matsumoto: That was the only way you could hold a mannequin, though! Have you ever held one before?
Sho: It’s not something she’d normally do.
Aya: Well, your imagination can come up with a lot, based on that image.
Sho: And how were the nipples, anyway? Weren’t they awesome?
Aya: H-Hai. The gap between that and News Zero was quite amazing.
Sho: Let’s have the first suggestion. Matsumoto, if you please.
Jun: “Last night, you practiced a variety of roles too much, and lost the sense of your own self.”
Aya: Well, I do play some roles where my character changes a lot. I have to change my tone of voice and my talking speed quite a bit.
Sho: You mean from your normal way of talking?
Aya: That’s right. A lot of the times I have to be silent when I want to talk, and then talk a lot when I want to be silent.
Jun: It’s hard to keep up the role, isn’t it?
Aya: That’s why I bring my script with me wherever I go, so that the lines stay in my head no matter what.
Sho: Ah, yes, you’re playing a lawyer this time, aren’t you?
Aya: Yes. [*insert promotion for Hokaben, the drama that Aya is starring in*]
Sho: Well, because of this role, Aiba has prepared some games today associated with it.
Aiba: That’s right! Let’s stand by!

Aiba: Shiodome, Aibaland! Yes, today, since Ueto-san has come, we’re going to play some lawyer games! Who has confidence today?
Jun: Well we can’t know that if we don’t know what the game is.
Aiba: How about you, Ueto-san?
Aya: I’m very happy you’ve made this corner for me.
Aiba: That’s right, that’s right! My assistant Ogura-san will be helping us today. Our game is: A Compendium of Laws to win a Lawsuit! Ogu-chan, please explain the rules!
Sho: Ogu-CHAN?
Ogura: You must balance these books on your head, walk over to the table, face the camera, unroll the scroll, and say “Case won.”
Aiba: If you drop it, you go back to the start.
Nino: Before we start, let me say that I have my reservations about playing such a popular game.
Jun: These are quite heavy, aren’t they?
Aiba: It’s hard just to set them on, isn’t it?
Aya: I think it’ll probably slip like this.
Caption: [Vertical!]
Ogura: That should be impossible.
Aya: I thought it might be steadier if it’s vertical.
Nino: Not very bright, is she?
Caption: [Now, now]
Aiba: Is everyone ready? Okay, start!
Nino: Case won!
Aiba: Okay, that’s the end!
Sho: Already?
Aiba: Court adjourned. Um…Ohno-san? Ohno-san?
Ohno: Case won!
Aiba: The game ended after the first winner, you know.
Ohno: Oh, is that so?
Sho: We only had one chance to win? That was fast!
Aiba: Let’s collect the materials.
Nino: Sorry ‘bout that.
Aiba: It was fun, though, wasn’t it? Un!

Aiba: Next! We have: Objection or Not! All right, order! Order in the court!
Sho: Huh?
Nino: What’s with that attitude?
Aiba: We have created two teams, as you can see. The Ueto, Ohno, Sakurai team, and the Ogura, Matsumoto, Nino team.
Ogura: Objection! Why am I on a team?
Aiba: Well, we didn’t have enough people, you see. Sorry about that.
Ogura: You wanted even numbers?
Aiba: Yes, exactly.
Narrator: The rules of the game are simple. Phrases will be shown on the monitor. If the phrase has the characters [i] and [gi] in it, then it means there is [igi]. (They are playing with words. Igi means ‘objection’) You must raise the ‘Objection’ sign if there is both [i] and [gi] in the phrase. All three players on the team must give the correct answer to get the point and continue playing.

Aiba: Here we go! Watch the screen carefully. Go!
[Gigabyte]
Sho + Aya: Objection!
Ohno: No Objection!
Nino: Look at the middle guy!
Sho: What’s with you? Look! GI-GA-BA-I-TO!
Ohno: Ah. Sorry.
Aiba: Which means 0 points for Ueto-san’s team! Does Ogura-san’s team have confidence? All right, start!

[Linguine] (RI-N-GU-I-NE)
[They get the next 15 questions right]

Nino: Excuse me, I retire!
[#16 says: Scaredy-Sakurai]
Sakurai: Objection!
Everyone else: No objection!
Aiba: That’s 15 to 0. Ogura team wins!
Sho: Excuse me, could you give us another chance, please?
Ogura: I’m fine with giving them another chance.
Aiba: All right, you have another chance! You’d better work hard! Round two, go!

[I-GO-SHO-U-GI]
Sho + Aya: Objection!
Ohno: No Objection!
Nino: Yay!
Ohno: Wait! Wait! Once more! Let us try once more! I couldn’t read the kanji!
Nino: That was Igo Shougi.
Ohno: Oh! Igo shougi? I couldn’t tell. Once more!
Aiba: Okay, once more. Sorry about that, everyone. Our leader couldn’t read the kanji.
Nino: Leader, your stupidity is actually frightening the audience.
Aiba: Sorry! We’ll start with the next readable one.
Sho: You were too hasty.
Aiba: All right, once more. Go!

[PARADAISU GINGA]
Ohno + Aya: Objection!
Sho: No objection!
Nino: Right. Read that for me. Read it.
Sho: Parada-I-su GI-nga.
Nino: So, 3, 2, 1…
Sho: Objection.
Nino: There you go.

Narrator: And so the one who failed the most today is Ohno

[Ohno gets to do a penalty game of Air Sumo by himself.]



Translation Notes: Whenever possible, I've tried to make the boys talk as if they had spoken in English in the first place. So rather than a word-for-word rendering, I've tried to keep the flow of the conversation as coherent as possible to the English speaker. Hope that explains (and justifies) some of the liberties I've taken with their words! ~